Dear wonderful mamacita,this is an open letter for you and all the moms trying survive the jungle that is helping other small human beings survive. Just help them drink, eat, poop, put on their clothes, maybe go to school, like just basically survive.
You are so f*cking focused on them and you surviving that your creativity barely survived. This is not about you winning any awards as some kind of (male) genius artist. Or even earning any money with your creative endeavours.
This is about you not remembering anything that YOU DID FOR YOUR JOY. My sister Anguezomo says: “Make joy more routine!” Wow, yes, would I love to have the energy to do that.
I have three kids. The youngest is 7 years old and will start school in a week. Which means: I took care of her a lot at home and on our various travels. This will be the first time since years since I had a full morning (until 11 am) to myself. Which means, I am writing this especially for the mamacitas that can afford to live a little because when you are responsible for your newborn literally not dying, this advise kinda seams crazy: Take time for your creativity. Yeah, right, while my baby is screaming her lungs out, thank you for this brilliant realistic advice. No, I am talking to the Mommas who managed to survive the jungle of the first years of their babies.
Welcome on the other side, Mamacita. Sit down, take your time. Drink a sip of your favorite tea or enjoy a hot chocolate with a dash of cinnamon and some marshmallows for fun. This was sooo much work. No wonder you kinda feel dead inside. It is because you had to prioritize the needs of your kids so many times over your own needs. Because sh*t needed to get done. And you got it done.
You can be so proud of yourself. This sounds so cheesy and cliché. But as a mom of 3 who is just resurfacing of those mad years, I really truly know what I am speaking about. And it doesn´t matter if you had some or a lot of support. When sh*t hits the fan, you and I, we were and responsible. When there is a situation of crisis, we as mothers are often left alone or left alone without a lot of help, especially if we migrated a lot and have no grown network of mothers, helpers and family members.
I am giving you a medal of honor for the best mother that you could be to your kids. Tiffany Dufu writes in her book “Drop the ball” about the astonishing effect that we as mothers get blamed when the flat is not clean or when our kid is late to school. But when we do our job as mother and housekeeper especially good, there is almost no official recognition for this as you get recognition for achieving goals in your professional life. That is so unfair, it makes me sooo angry. You just gotta meet the expectations that society and your family puts on you, but when you excell at being a mom, there is no reward for you waiting.
So today, you get this medal of honor from me for being the best mom that you could be.
Maybe you even disrupted some generational cycles that were hurting your ancestors.
Maybe you were the first one to seek or get a diagnosis.
Maybe you were the first one knowing the word “mental health”. Fo sure.
Maybe you were the first parent that said “sorry” to his kid.
Maybe you were the first mom to reflect and/or live the challenge that is being a mom, having a family and having a career. You are a QUEEN. The impact this will have on your children, on your descendants, is HUGE. So let us take a minute of silence here that is full of appreciation and love for you amazing momma. S I L E N C E.
And now to your JOY. I know, you are like: What the hell are you talking about? My JOY? I don`t even remember what that is. I know the concept of it. I know I felt it as a child, even as young adult. I know i feel some joy when I put on music. But other than that, I don´t really know how to follow it anymore. Because my system is just so trained again and again to fulfill the needs of others, that I kinda overwrote my program to: I DO NOT MATTER. I will be okay, if I don`t get my needs met for now. The “FOR NOW” almost evolved into “FOR A DECADE”. I deeply feel you BECAUSE I AM YOU. I am this woman, who loves her children so much and puts her needs first. And yes, I take a bath on Sundays and it already feels egocentric, but I am talking about following your big JOY. The one you felt before you were responsible for the survival of a human being. DO YOU REMEMBER? I am here, to remember to that you felt this joy. There was more to you than being the servant of your family. And yes, your kids, especially the girls, need to see you in our joy.
I sometimes even feel mom guilt for not being joyous enough. Isn´t that terrible and sooo backwards? This stops NOW. First and foremost, your JOY ist for you. Not because you deserve it, because what message would that be that we need to deserve joy? I am gonna v*mit. No.
You ARE, therefore, your JOY is important. And I am here to remind you of your joy. I am on the same journey you are. Following little tiny traces of my JOY like listening to music that I liked as a teenager or taking the time to lift weights not because I wanna loose weight but because I FEEL LIKE MYSELF afterwards, the SELF I was before I was responsible for other selves. Accompany me on this journey, following the traces of JOY until we collect all the parts of our selves and maybe even discover new confetti parts that surprise us around the corner of every day life. Love, EVA BEA